Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Are my feet made of real feet?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
