i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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