Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
