i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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