maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
