I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
