just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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