i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
