Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
