he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
dude. I can hear the air.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
