I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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