literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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