i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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