I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
