I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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