meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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