she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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