mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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