wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
