Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
