I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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