In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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