Will you blow on my dice?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
