i permit you to call me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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