when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
