i wish peter jackson would direct porn
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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