I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
