I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
