i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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