I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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