She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
