this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
