her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Also, beer. Big fan.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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