apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
