The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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