the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
