my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
