Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
