I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
