Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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