He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
