she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
