Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Couch. On fire.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize