i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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