meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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