...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
