i'm signing you up for texting rehab
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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