I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
