what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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