i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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