shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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