i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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