I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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