Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
