I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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