Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
