Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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