And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
