The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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