I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
