you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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